At the memorial gathering today, Cindy Howard suggested three things that people might do to honor Robert, Ana-Maria, Sam, and Veronica. Here are the homework assignments. We invite you to share what you have done.
First assignment. There is someone in your life who you need to thank. Today, find that person and share your gratitude.
Second assignment. There is someone in your life who is new to the community, or is alone, or is in need of help. This week: reach out to that person.
Third assignment. There is a need in your community that you are uniquely suited to address. This month: do what you can to tackle that need.
Like the many, many attendees at El Carmelo School yesterday, I was deeply moved by the glorious memorial service celebrating Robert, Ana Maria, Sam, and Nica.
Cindy H. and the other Howard-Dias family members, organizers Jennifer M. and Annett T., all of the speakers, the volunteers, and all of the other participants whose names I do not know: I was humbled and filled with gratitude to you all for the loving care that went into every detail: the beautifully-written and heartfelt speeches, the superb quotes and write-ups in the program, the gorgeous and well-chosen hymns and songs and prayers, the vibrantly-colored flowers, the enlarged photos of the family set up near the memory books, the Lunar photo collage, the slide show (which has already been uploaded onto this website!) the tray of Sam and Nica’s favorite candies that they were always sharing with their friends——and were still sharing yesterday, the thoughtful boxes of tissues that were handed out among the crowd of surely double or triple the 500 chairs we had set up.
Oh my, those beautiful mounted photos of the family on the memory book tables! Robert, Ana Maria, Sam, and Nica looking so centered and happy and resplendently alive. Did you notice how—miraculously—each photo truly and absolutely captured the distinct smiles of each one of them? They all looked so welcoming.
“Isn’t that just like them?” organizer Jennifer M. said to me, “They’re not even here, and they are still building community.”
Organizer Annett T. said about the ceremony: “There was so much joy here today. They brought all of us joy.”
Yes.
It was a beautiful, beautiful service.
Although the circumstances bringing us together were unspeakable, and still completely unfathomable to many of us, the sunny Sunday afternoon day was so much about celebrating and honoring family, good friendships, and community bonds, that I actually caught myself shading my eyes and looking for Ana Maria in the crowd, or catching glimpses of Robert—wondering for a minute why I hadn’t run into them yet, since all of our other friends were here already. Where were they? Was Ana Maria getting the extra flower vases we needed? Did Robert just pop into the library to help with the audio thing? I was seeing them and not seeing them. What was going on? And then I remembered. Such is the suspended animation and wishful thinking of grieving…
Actually, I have been “seeing” them all week: at Shoreline Park or outside CVS or on one of my zillion trips to the grocery. Again, the dream-like reality mix-up would happen for a minute, and I would think: “Oh, there’s Ana Maria. I have to tell her that I was devastated to hear about… And then I remembered.
What I’m trying to do is not be felled and crushed by these moments, but to think of them instead as “little visits,” a cute term that Ana Maria coined back in Preschool Family days. Since we didn’t have much time for long, uninterrupted mom-conversations back then (parenting toddlers oftentimes meant only fragmentary convos and fleeting contact) Ana Maria would say: “I only have time for a little visit, but…” Or we would make plans to get together and she would ask: “Do you have time for a whole afternoon, or just a little visit?”
On one of these little visits, I remember Ana Maria talking about angels. I confess that I had forgotten about her belief in them until yesterday, at the memorial service, when it was mentioned so lovingly at the podium.
When Ana Maria first brought up angels, we talked about certain spiritual, mystical experiences that we had heard or read about, or felt ourselves. We discussed being spiritually open to receiving messages and wisdom from other aspects or realms. Ana Maria said that, in her case, her belief in angels changed the way she perceived or saw things in the natural world. “Seeing is believing!” she said, with her usual upbeat, smiling conviction.
And so, I am making an effort to do the same.
Just a day or two before they left, I ran into Ana Maria and Nica, briefly, at Piazza’s grocery store. They were all smiles and excited about the trip. As we hugged and went to finish our respective errands, Ana Maria and Nica waved and smiled again. “See you!” they called. “See you, too!” I called back.
And I like to think that is just what we are doing now—with these fleeting glimpses at bookstores or in the park—and what we will continue to do. All of us. They will see all of us, and we will see the four of them: in the photos, the videos, the thoughts, and the memories that we share. Each one, a “little visit.”
You were right, Ana Maria. Seeing is believing.
Love and peace,
— from Heidi
My goodness. This is truly beautiful. Heidi, I don’t know you and yet I want to hug you for this amazing writing. I so agree with all that you said. Thank you. Thank you to the organizers. We were all privileged to hear the exceptional stories about each member, and to witness every thoughtful detail, so reflective of the love, life and joy this family exuded. And most of all, thank you to Robert, Ana-Maria, Sam and Nica for being who you were and now being the angels for us all. We are all connected by your spirit. Love, Sangini
This is a beautiful response Heidi. So sorry for your loss. We were there yesterday because Jesse had Sam in a class at JLS and I met Ana Maria only a couple of times, but of course that was enough to know what a special lady she was… I wanted to say hi to you yesterday, but was never able to find you after the service. Take care, and again, so very sorry to you and all of the friends and family of the Howard – Dias family.
There is someone in your life who you need to thank. Today, find that person and share your gratitude.
That night I shared my thanks for her presence in my life with my friend Lynn.
There is someone in your life who is new to the community, or is alone, or is in need of help. This week: reach out to that person.
That very week, there was a new member at church who showed up for the Wednesday night dinners for the first time. I did my best to reach out and invite him to sit at our table, but I’m not sure how well received it was. This is not my area of strength. I’ve created a parent’s mailing list and invited new families at our preschool to join.
There is a need in your community that you are uniquely suited to address. This month: do what you can to tackle that need.
I am reminded of the story of the scholar asking Jesus “Who is my neighbor?” I feel myself asking, but who is my community? I have addressed some needs within my church, my children’s preschool, and other aspects of my life that eventually benefit me, but this challenge helped answer a personal dilemma of mine — a year ago my daughter was diagnosed with Amblyopia and Accommodative Esotropia, which if left untreated can lead to blindness in one eye. I was shocked and hurt, and all of my initial searching turned up little useful information beyond a few basic paragraphs.
I eventually found an on-line forum for parents at Prevent Blindness America, and read two medical textbooks on the subject. Over time that forum went from a place where I received support to a place where I could give it. I’d spend hours late at night researching conditions and writing up responses. I wondered if I was wasting my valuable time. But I was able to help make that community stronger. Is that my community? Is that time better spent locally with people I can see face-to-face? I think I am uniquely suited to that task and it is not a waste.
–Beth